Perhaps, it’s only real to say that life is measured in compelling weights of dexterity. Life has a bittersweet way of forcing you to be ready when you never really are. When will we ever be ready anyway for the inevitable eventualities that life brings ?
I suppose, we never really are.
I’ve always seen the EDR course as an agent of life pushing and pulling me into depths that I’ve never experienced before. I wasn’t ready to be swept away by the washing tide of the course. Like most students, I was both afraid and courageous. I was ready and unready at the same time. It’s an inexplicable fusion of emotions that only college can bring onto a person.
I floated away through the school year facing the inevitable strain of tasks that I never wanted to do but I did. The teaching demonstration truly affected me in ways I didn’t imagine. My psyche kept on disinterring fragments of the past that I thought I’ve buried away. I had my fair share of teaching demonstrations before that never seemed to go as I expected them to be and the very last one took a toll on my life. Most people never knew that I was swallowed up by the vermin of depression for months after my last demonstration in my previous college. It took awhile for me to convince myself that my EDR teaching demonstration wasn’t the same as my teaching demonstration before. It’s different! The place is different, my classmates are different, my professor is different and I wouldn’t suffer the same fate that I have experienced before.
Most people never knew that I was swallowed up by the vermin of depression for months after my last demonstration in my previous college. It took awhile for me to convince myself that my EDR teaching demonstration wouldn’t be the same as my teaching demonstration before. It’s different! The place is different, my classmates are different, my professor is different and I wouldn’t suffer the same fate that I have experienced before.
I summed up all my courage and volunteered to be the third to demonstrate on the 26th of November and I truly enjoyed myself. I wouldn’t forget the emotions that rushed through my system as I went through the demo. “Finally!” I exclaimed to myself, “I finally erased all the memories of the teaching demo before with this one.” It was a gift that EDR has given to me, and I am thankful to have gone through it. It was one of the purest of moments that I won’t forget.
It was also a challenge for me to undergo the student presentation that the EDR course wanted me to do. I remember the trepidation swelling up inside me as my head filled itself with what if’s, with scenarios that I didn’t want to happen. My anxiety attacks got the best of me and I wasn’t able to present the first time but my professor gave me another chance. I took it, and I surprised myself again – I could actually present something well and enjoy it. It’s also something that I won’t forget.
Aside from the nerve of presenting, I enjoyed writing personal essays that the EDR course made me do. I loved writing my reflection paper about my personal reading experiences. I’ve always loved reading and writing after all, and so I greatly enjoyed myself. I remember having my laptop in hand, my cup of tea, and my personal writing playlist playing in the background as I wrote – it was pure bliss.
EDR is one of the most trying courses I’ve had this year and in all honesty, I didn’t enjoy doing other tasks. I personally didn’t enjoy doing the first homework wherein I had to come up with an annotated bibliography of different books and journals related to teaching reading. I had a hard time getting it done but I did it with the help of my friend, Sofia. We both huddled together in the Kalayaan library getting different kinds of books and magazines to come up with a list. I didn’t enjoy it but it was an opportunity for me to get to know my friend better which made me feel good in the end.
I also didn’t enjoy doing my philosophy of teaching. It was quite hard for me to write because I never experienced writing a philosophy before. I began to think of Kant, of Nietzsche. I thought of the different philosophies of teaching I’ve read in my previous university. Most of them tried to inspire fellow teachers, but most philosophies were stuck in the trying part, it never really inspired me at all. Forgive my frankness, but I didn’t enjoy it though I tried to bask in the moment and come up with something I could be proud of.
Forgive my frankness, but I didn’t enjoy doing it, though I tried to bask in the moment and come up with something I could be proud of.
In all honesty, I chose the teaching demonstration, the student presentation, and the reflection paper as best because I knew deep down that I changed. Despite my depression and anxiety, I was able to go through the motions and find something that can make me whole again as a person. I was able to prove to myself and to the vermin of depression that I have what it takes to be a better version of myself. These are just a few of the ways that I chose to help me defeat my depression.
I chose the first homework and the philosophy of teaching as my worst because I never really enjoyed myself while doing them. I’m missing another one to mark as my worst because I can never really find another output that I can mark. My other outputs tried me as a person but it was worth doing everything in the end.
It’s never easy to go through the flow of a course but with enough courage and perseverance we can all make it through in the end. We may never be ready to conquer and experience new things in life but we find that we never really are ready for anything, we just have to be. EDR may not be one of the best courses
EDR may not be one of the best courses I’ve had in my life but it truly changed and made me a better person.
I think that’s all that matters, in the end.